Naija jokes for Everyone

A man walks into a bar. He orders a glass of water. The bartender, a no-nonsense type, says, “That will be ₦5,000.” The man shouts, “Ehn? For ordinary water? Are you mad?” The bartender replies, “It’s special bottled water imported from France.” The man sighs, “Okay, give me Fanta instead.” The bartender says, “₦2,000.” The man smiles and says, “Thank God, at least Fanta is still within my budget!”

A rich boy asks his dad for money to start a business. His dad gives him ₦5 million. After a month, the boy returns with ₦100,000. The dad, fuming, asks, “Is this what is left of the money I gave you?” The boy replies, “No, Daddy, this is the profit I made from the business!” The father faints.

A man, trying to impress a woman on a date, says, “I have a big house, a fleet of expensive cars, and a fat bank account.” The woman, unimpressed, says, “And you’re telling me this in a taxi?” The man looks out the window and says, “What is a taxi? This is my Uber!”

Two friends, Okafor & Emeka, are walking down the street when they see a madman running towards them. Okafor, terrified, starts running. Emeka calmly pulls out his phone and starts scrolling. Okafor shouts, “Emeka, why are you not running?” Emeka replies, “He’s not a madman, he’s a fan! He wants my autograph!”

A mother calls her son, who has just finished university, and says, “My son, now that you’ve graduated, when are you going to get a good job and get married?” The son replies, “Mummy, I have a good job now, but no girlfriend.” The mother says, “Don’t worry, my son, your mother is here. I will find a good wife for you!” The son replies, “Mummy, I am a pastor now!” The mother faints.

A man and his wife are arguing about their son’s poor grades. The man says, “How can my son be this foolish? He’s my son, and I’m a professor!” The wife replies, “He’s your son, yes, but he’s also my son, and I got a third class!” The man faints.

A man from the village visits his son in the city. The son takes his father to a big mall. The father, seeing the escalator, is amazed. He says to his son, “So you mean this thing can carry a person up and down?” The son replies, “Yes, Daddy.” The father says, “This is not fair! A whole escalator, and you couldn’t bring one to the village?”

A woman goes to her doctor and says, “Doctor, my husband is not talking to me.” The doctor asks, “When did this start?” The woman replies, “Since our wedding day.” The doctor says, “He’s a man. They are not talkative.” The woman says, “But my mother told me he was a chatterbox!”

A man is at a restaurant and the waiter asks him, “Do you want to eat with a fork or a spoon?” The man replies, “Give me a fork. I don’t want to get my hands dirty.” The waiter replies, “Sir, your hands are already dirty.” The man says, “But I don’t want to get my lips dirty.”

A mother goes to a witch doctor and says, “Witch doctor, my son is not talking.” The witch doctor says, “Is he shy?” The mother says, “No, he is not shy. He doesn’t want to talk.” The witch doctor says, “Then he is just a lazy talker.” The mother says, “He’s a lawyer!” The witch doctor faints.

A woman sees a beautiful wedding dress in a shop. She asks the shop owner, “How much is this wedding dress?” The shop owner replies, “₦100,000.” The woman says, “Is there no discount for someone who is not marrying?” The shop owner replies, “No, Madam. This dress is only for those who are marrying.” The woman says, “But I am not marrying now. I am just buying it for my future husband’s sister!”

A man and his wife are walking in a park. The wife says, “My love, I am hungry.” The man says, “Don’t worry, my sweet. We will find a restaurant.” The wife says, “But I want to eat now!” The man says, “Don’t worry, my dear. I will buy you a snack.” The wife says, “I want to eat now, now!” The man says, “Okay, let’s find a place to eat.” The wife says, “No, I want to eat now, now, now!” The man says, “Okay, let’s go back home.” The wife says, “I don’t want to go back home. I want to eat here!”

A man sees his wife’s new hairstyle and says, “My love, your hair is looking so beautiful.” The wife says, “Thank you, my husband.” The man says, “But the last time I saw it, it was shorter.” The wife says, “Yes, my love. It’s because of the new shampoo I bought.” The man says, “The shampoo made your hair grow longer?” The wife says, “No, it made my hair grow faster!” The man faints.

A man tells his friend, “I have a dog that can talk.” The friend says, “Stop lying!” The man says, “I am not lying. My dog can talk.” The friend says, “Then let me see it.” The man takes his friend to his house and tells his dog, “Bia, tell my friend something.” The dog says, “Woof, woof, woof!” The man says, “See? I told you my dog can talk.” The friend says, “But he is just barking.” The man says, “He is shy.”

A man is driving when a policeman stops him. The policeman says, “Sir, your car is not registered.” The man says, “Officer, I have registered it.” The policeman says, “Then why is it not on my computer?” The man says, “Officer, I am not on your computer, so why are you talking to me?” The policeman faints.

A man walks into a bank to deposit some money. The teller asks, “Sir, do you have an account with us?” The man replies, “No, I don’t.” The teller says, “Then you can’t deposit money.” The man says, “Why? Is it my money or your money?” The teller faints.

Two friends, a Naija man and a white man, are talking. The white man says, “My wife is a very good cook. She can cook anything.” The Naija man replies, “My wife is a very good cook, too. She can even cook powder.” The white man says, “Is that true?” The Naija man says, “No, it’s not true, but I just wanted to show you that my wife is better than your wife!”

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a plate of jollof rice. The waiter brings him a plate with only rice and no stew. The man says, “Waiter, where is the stew?” The waiter says, “Sir, we have run out of stew.” The man says, “Then why did you bring me rice?” The waiter says, “Because you ordered jollof rice.” The man faints.

A mother-in-law visits her son and his wife. The mother-in-law, a very strict woman, asks her son, “My son, is this how you live? Your house is so dirty!” The son says, “Mummy, please, leave my wife alone. She is a very good wife.” The mother-in-law says, “She is a good wife, but she is not a good cook!” The son says, “Mummy, please, leave my wife alone. She is a very good cook, too!” The mother-in-law says, “She is a good cook, but she is not a good mother!” The son says, “Mummy, please, leave my wife alone. She is a very good mother, too!” The mother-in-law faints.

A man goes to a supermarket and asks the salesgirl, “Madam, do you have bread?” The salesgirl says, “No, we don’t.” The man says, “Do you have milk?” The salesgirl says, “No, we don’t.” The man says, “Do you have eggs?” The salesgirl says, “No, we don’t.” The man says, “So what do you have?” The salesgirl says, “We have nothing.” The man says, “Then why are you working here?” The salesgirl says, “Because my father owns this supermarket.” The man faints.

A man and his wife are arguing about their son’s future. The man says, “My son must be a doctor! I want him to be a doctor.” The wife says, “No, my son must be a lawyer! I want him to be a lawyer.” The son, a very quiet boy, says, “Mummy, Daddy, I want to be a bus driver.” It wasn’t a joke.

A man goes to a hospital to see a doctor. The doctor asks him, “Sir, what is the problem?” The man replies, “Doctor, my stomach is paining me.” The doctor asks, “When did it start?” The man replies, “Since I ate last night.” The doctor says, “So you have not eaten since last night?” The man says, “No, I haven’t.” The doctor says, “Then eat!” The man faints.

A man and his wife are walking in a park when they see a madman running towards them. The man says, “My love, let’s run!” The wife says, “No, my love, let’s not run. Let’s stand our ground.” The man says, “My love, are you mad?” The wife says, “No, my love, I’m not mad, but I want to see if the madman will run after us!”

A student rushes into an exam hall late. The invigilator, a strict man, asks, “Why are you late?” The student replies, “Sir, I was going to church and the pastor’s sermon was too long!” The invigilator says, “And you couldn’t leave?” The student says, “How could I leave when the pastor was preaching about hellfire?”

A rich man’s son asks him for a car for his birthday. The man says, “My son, I will not buy you a car. I will buy you a motorcycle instead.” The son asks, “Daddy, why?” The man says, “Because a motorcycle will teach you how to be a man!” The son faints.

A man from Nigeria, Ojo, goes to a bank to withdraw money. The teller asks him, “Sir, how much do you want to withdraw?” Ojo replies, “Give me all the money you have in this bank!” The teller, surprised, says, “Sir, are you joking?” Ojo replies, “No, I am not joking. I am very serious. My wife sent me here!”

A mother is trying to teach her son to be humble. She says, “My son, you must always be humble. No matter how rich you become, you must never forget where you came from.” The son replies, “Mummy, where did I come from?” The mother says, “You came from my womb!” The son faints.

A man is at a restaurant and orders a plate of pounded yam and egusi soup. The waiter brings him a plate of rice and stew. The man says, “Waiter, I ordered pounded yam and egusi soup!” The waiter says, “Sir, we have run out of pounded yam.” The man says, “Then why did you bring me rice?” The waiter says, “Because you looked hungry.”

A mother finds her son, a recent university graduate, sitting idle at home. She asks, “My son, are you not going to look for a job?” The son replies, “Mummy, I am waiting for the job to find me.” The mother says, “If you are waiting for a job to find you, you will wait till your hair turns grey!” The son replies, “Mummy, I have no hair on my head.” The mother faints.